It was the the Sunday before Christmas, and I was seated in the back of our small church. The week had already brought countless moments of sorrow, including a rather embarrassing breakdown in the mall parking lot. As the worship team began a medley of various songs featuring the subject of joy, I felt the familiar of sting of tears. "No", I thought to myself, "You're in church, it's Christmas, you're supposed to be joyful...hold it together." But I couldn't hold it in, it ached to much, the pain was too great, and big fat tears rolled down my cheeks. Communion time approached, and I willed myself to pull it together, and gather my children as we headed towards the front. Our pastor's wife was serving this morning, and she looked at me, and I knew she could see my pain. As tears filled her eyes, I once again, felt my own fall again...and there I was. Sobbing at the front of the church, for the whole room to see, to hear. I was embarrassed. I was heartbroken. I felt silly, crying up at the front, knowing some visitors were probably wondering why a woman was losing it a few days before one of the most joyful days of the year. Dear friends of my mother surrounded me, held me, prayed over me, tears mingling with mine. "We know....you lost your best friend...you can cry." I headed back to my seat, trying not to make eye contact, while my husband and friends minded the boys. And then...God spoke to me. A sweet woman from church came to me in the back, with a word for me. "God wanted me to tell you....whatever you're feeling, it's ok. It's ok to be sad".
It's ok to be sad. I felt like I was finally given permission to be sad at Christmas. That it was ok to not be looking forward to everything. I had been so proud of myself, trying so hard to be joyful, and happy, wrapping presents, making cookies with the boys. Underneath it all, I was exhausted. So tired of putting on my happy front. I feel like, as a Christian, sometimes we fall into this trap, that even when terrible things have happened, that we feel we must remain upbeat and joyful all the time, because we don't want people to think we are questioning God's goodness. But I realized, after those words given to me at church, that I've been going at it all wrong. Yes, God IS good. In fact, it's because of His goodness and love, that He gives me full permission to feel what I'm feeling, judgement free. I have freedom to feel what I need to feel, when I need to feel it.
God blessed our socks off this Christmas. I feel like, because I finally was truthful with myself, with God, that I was able to fully enjoy that day with my family. We didn't dwell on the fact that Mom wasn't there, but instead celebrated His birth with joy! The snow was a sweet surprise, wiping the slate clean that morning, and giving us time to connect over sleds and snowballs. Playing in the snow tends to make you feel young and playful, exactly what we needed.
2012 is finally coming to an end and I welcome the new year with open arms. I am looking upon this year with expectancy, with the hope of new beginnings and joy. I believe in a God that knows the desires of my heart, and I am continually praying for His favor this year. As my 31st birthday approaches quickly, I am asking Him for sweet and unexpected surprises, and thanking Him for His outpouring of blessings thus far.
To all of you who've stood by us, prayed for us, cried with us, and have walked this journey with us, I thank you. You have no idea the impact you've had on our lives. I wish you God's outpouring of blessings in your life this new year, and that you will continue to spread Mom's legacy of His joy.
